Top Five Lessons I’ve Learned About Raising Twin Boys
I’ve heard it said many times about raising twins: “Double the Love; Double the Chaos.” That statement is anything but wrong, but it’s definitely an experience I wouldn’t trade for anything. Our boys are identical, and though it appears that their friends who are their age are the only people who can tell them apart, they are so so so different. And so so so alike.
When the boys were four, they were in Pre-K 4 at school. We were riding down Main Street, and they were having a chipper conversation in the back seat about people’s faces. In particular, they were talking about how in their class,one kiddo’s face was different. They weren’t being ugly, but this conversation fascinated me. I inserted, “Boys, God gave us all different faces. EVERYONE has a different beautiful face.”
Simultaneously, they looked at each other and responded with, “uuuuuuuuuuuhhhh?”
We have laughed about this for years, but in that moment, I realized that even they knew there was some sort of expectation of “sameness” in their minds.
Today, I’m all about five lessons I’ve learned over the last eleven years. I can assure you that I’ve learned way more than just five, but these are the five I am focusing on - specifically about twins - today.
First, I’ve learned to honor who these boys are as people. It does make me laugh when people ask how I can tell them apart. They do look pretty identical, but they are anything but that. People inevitably feel the need to label twins to describe them. I completely understand this logic, and I find it fascinating at the same time. For instance, there are times when one is more outgoing and the other is quiet, but with the sudden presence of a gentle breeze, they can switch as soon as it hits them in the face. I have read that many sets of twins are indeed super opposite, but ours are not. I’m starting to wonder if there will ever be a moment when it’s okay to actually label - like maybe when they’re grown? They share many many interests and a few dislikes, so many times I catch myself being fascinated that they look identical, and though they share some differences, the lesson here is I want to honor who they are as people - shared blue eyes and interests and differences and all.
The second lesson is simply that schedules save sanity. As I’m writing this, it’s late summer in Texas, so that means it’s junior high baseball season. Our boys never experienced the world of travel ball when they were younger, so my husband and I are watching them fall in love with all of it right now. Also, all the respect to parents who can do travel ball, school, work, and home at the same time. I am all impressed. As it is, we run a tight schedule Monday - Thursday (we are a four day school): arise and shine at 5:15 so we can make it to morning workouts at 6:00 and we stay for baseball practice until 6:00 at least two evenings per week. That makes for a long day for two eleven year old boys. We come home, and unless we have an away game, we eat something from the crockpot or something I can prepare quickly, do homework, complete chores around the house, take showers, and head to bed. This wasn’t an easy schedule to work through for the first two weeks. There were many mornings of attitude being hurled around in the car on the way to school or in the evenings. We had to talk through these attitudes to be able to put them away. We are on a pretty decent trajectory now, but we had to create and stick to this schedule - this routine. Kids desperately need routine. They need to know what to expect and what is expected of them.If they don’t have it, there is no peace for anyone. We are, of course, much more free on the weekends, but we try to maintain a decent bedtime because. . . Monday morning is on the way.
Thirdly, competition is inevitable, but it is also manageable. It’s funny as a parent to see which “things” are going to pop up as competition between these guys. For instance, of course, winning a physical race will always be a thing between boys. But grades? Most of the time, I don’t even think my kids care about grades, but if one made a 94 on a test, all of a sudden, the other must make a 95 or better. My husband and I try to instill the importance of them working together, so there are times when we all work on a project, or he will work on projects with them - clearing fence rows, felling trees, etc. - or on rarer occasions, I will work on all the fun things like “clean your room so you can have company”. Okay, that one is never fun. We try to celebrate all the wins - individual, group, family - you name it, we try to find something really awesome to do to celebrate. By awesome, it never has to cost much, but a movie night with pizza (my boys can eat pizza every day all day), an ice cream bar, bowling, a trip to Canton Trade Days.
As much as we enjoy our time together, it is crazy important to love on lesson four: one on one time isn’t just important; it is a necessity. Think about this: when you are born, you have all of your parents’ attention. If you’re a twin, you always have divided attention, AND you are always around that person who takes the other half of the attention. Watching our boys together, my husband and I believe they are often overstimulated. How do we know? Because when we have one on one time with them, they are quiet - enjoying the peace. It is fascinating. After a little quiet time, though, they begin to open up and share and talk in a safe place away from the sibling. In times past, we would try to do a “date night” where one parent goes with one kid each week. The next week, we’d switch the kid. This works up to the age at which they are super busy with outside interests like tae kwon do or baseball or horseback riding or art. Then, you must be inventive for awhile. Even at eleven, you can find time, though. For instance, my husband and one of the boys LOVE shrimp. The other kiddo and I do not. So . . that’s an easy date night experience that must happen.
Last lesson, we are not just raising twins, we are creating a lifelong bond with these young men. At eleven, it’s hard to imagine that these immature, reckless, and verbally foaming at the mouth individuals will essentially be adults in ten years or less. Right now, empathy is hard. Healthy communication is hard. Emotional resilience is hard. But all too soon, these guys will be teaching their own kids all of these hard things. We rejoice in the small wins - in the day to day beautiful moments when I see and hear them talking like men to each other sharing their thoughts. In the day to day beautiful moments when they work together to accomplish something. In the day to day beautiful moments when I see them do good things for each other or for others or for someone older. Enjoy those moments with your kids.
Whether or not you have twins or a thousand kids or one kid, enjoy the moments. Celebrate the milestones. Celebrate the small wins. Celebrate everything you can with your kids. It’s important for them and for you.
The boys were in a wedding this past spring. They were so handsome in their tuxes. This pic is after those ties came off, but we never got a picture of them standing the same way. Life with twins. . . . . This picture says it all.